Debate: To Hitachi or Not to Hitachi?

Before we dive in, let’s take a poll:

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PRO: “Fastest. orgasms. ever.”

“Okay, sure, the 50-plus-year-old Magic Wand, as it’s now officially called (the manufacturer has dropped the ‘Hitachi,’ but, like, it’ll always be the Hitachi, you know?), is crazy-loud and weighs almost one-and-a-half pounds. It looks like a Game of Thrones–style weapon, one I’d probs get arrested for trying to take through TSA. But oh dear god, how I love it. Its two speeds—‘holyshithereIcome’ and ‘omgomgomg’—take me from zero to howling in about a minute, stimulating every nerve ending at once. I mean, you’ve gotta respect a toy with power so intense that it needs to be plugged in to a wall. (If I’m ever feeling like it might erase my clitoris from the planet, I simply put a layer of fabric between me and the machine.) Also: It’s way more versatile than people give it credit for, with attachments for internal action. I will forever stan the icon, the queen, the legend: the Hitachi.” —Krista McHarden

CON: “My ancestors probably used this thing.”

“Honestly, the Hitachi should have peaked with its ‘Is it a neck massager or vibrator?’ homage on Sex and the City. Why it didn’t—and why some people still won’t STFU about it remains a mystery to me. Y’all, this toy is like a jackhammer on the clit. I know this because for journalism, I tried it out myself…and honestly, it’s a miracle I can still feel any sensation at all down there. Plus, even the newer cordless version isn’t water- or splash-proof. Ex squeeze me? I squirt when I orgasm, and I almost always use sex toys in the shower. The Hitachi is so cumbrously huge that even if I didn’t electrocute myself by bringing it in there, masturbating would be like trying to womanhandle a Costco-size shampoo bottle. The only way I’ll ever use this large boi again is as a pretend karaoke mic while serenading my dogs.” —Janie Shane

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