Unintentional Spoiling of Children in India: Common Practices and Strategies

In early 2024, my family experienced a conversation that would leave an indelible mark on me, forever questioning the paths of our upbringing. Sitting in the living room one afternoon, we were visited by a relative, Mala, known for her myriad opinions. This event marked a turning point, as the discussion turned to my sibling's plans to study medicine in Russia, accompanied by a substantial financial investment.

The Incident

Mala announced, 'Rita’s son is going to Russia to study medicine. They're spending a whopping 30 lakhs on his education! So much money!' My mother replied politely, 'Oh, really?' Decades later, the conversation took a hard turn as Mala casually remarked, 'But you don’t need to spend so much on Minnie after all. She’s a girl. Why spend so much on her future.'

The room fell silent, a moment of discomfort hanging heavy in the air. My mother neither defended me nor engaged with my sister but merely nodded, a gesture that said it all. Mala, who had dropped out of school, had offered a commentary that echoed deep insecurities within our household. This moment highlighted the undercurrent of gender biases and financial concerns that subtly influenced the way my parents raised their children.

Common Ways Parents in India Can Unintentionally Spoil Their Children

Parenting styles in India, like in many cultures, can unintentionally spoil children through various behaviors and practices. Here are some of the most common ways this occurs:

Overindulgence

Parents often succumb to the desire to meet their children's every whim through frequent indulgences. Overindulgence can involve providing excessive material gifts, like toys, gadgets, and clothes, which can foster a sense of entitlement in children.

Extravagant Celebrations

Lavish birthday parties, lavish gifts, and grand celebrations can set unrealistic expectations for what special occasions should look like. Such extravagant experiences can leave children feeling entitled to similar treatments in their future.

Lack of Boundaries and Inconsistent Discipline

The absence of clear boundaries and inconsistent discipline can confuse children, leading to a lack of clarity about acceptable behavior and the consequences of their actions.

Overprotection

Parents who shield their children from failures and challenges risk preventing them from developing resilience. Children need to experience setbacks to learn how to handle adversity successfully.

Catering to Every Demand

Fulfilling every request without delay can teach children that hard work and patience are unnecessary. Immediate gratification can undermine the value of delayed rewards.

Avoiding Discomfort

Parents may take significant efforts to keep their children comfortable, often at the expense of teaching them resilience and the ability to cope with discomfort.

Excessive Praise and Validation

Providing constant praise without recognizing genuine effort and improvement can lead to inflated self-esteem and a lack of motivation to strive for excellence. In contrast, healthy praise should be reserved for achievements that are meaningful and genuine.

Comparisons and Pressure to Excel

Comparing children to their peers can create pressure and a sense of entitlement rather than fostering a healthy sense of competition and self-worth. The societal emphasis on academic and extracurricular success can also lead to excessive pushiness, skewing a child's perception of achievement and self-worth.

Neglecting Life Skills and Technology

Doing everything for the child, from housework to homework, can prevent them from developing independence and responsibility. Excessive screen time with non-stop access to technology can reduce physical activity and social interactions, leading to a sedentary lifestyle and reduced social skills.

Mitigating Unintentional Spoiling

To counteract these tendencies, parents can adopt a balanced approach that includes:

Setting clear boundaries and rules to provide children with a sense of structure and predictability. Encouraging independence by allowing children to take on age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities. Teaching the value of hard work, perseverance, and delayed gratification through age-appropriate challenges and routines. Respecting natural consequences of actions as a means of teaching accountability and responsibility.

Anchoring these practices in a cultural context, parents in India should strive to balance traditional values with modern parenting techniques. This includes acknowledging the impact of societal pressures and actively working to foster a nurturing and supportive environment that promotes healthy development and resilience in their children.