The Deception Behind Narcissistic Parents: How They Pit Children Against Each Other

Power and control, as ancient adages often suggest, drives a dark game that many covert narcissistic parents play. Their objective is to turn children against one another, a strategy rooted in a fundamental desire for adoration and control. This manipulative behavior is not unique to these parents; many abusers exhibit similar traits, though not all may be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Manipulation and Control

Motivated by a desire for dominance, these parents often orchestrate scenarios that pit siblings against each other. The outcome often sees one child labeled as the "golden child" while the other is scapegoated. In the majority of cases, the youngest child is the scapegoat, but this is not always the rule. The strategy stems from a deep-seated belief that such manipulation is a natural part of human interactions, which they equate with intelligence and success.

These parents do not recognize their own flaws, nor do they see their actions as problematic. They believe their methods of manipulation, control, and the use of narratives to isolate others are just normal human behavior. To them, influencing others to support their controlling narratives is a sign of success and intelligence. This intense belief drives them to continue their manipulative tactics, making it nearly impossible to expose or address their behavior.

Examples and Consequences

Take, for instance, the relationship between a mother and her siblings. My mother's actions involved isolating others, telling stories that painted her as the victim, and pitting her children, including her sister, against each other. This behavior was then passed on to two of her siblings, who adopted similar tactics. The main benefits of this dynamic are:

Sympathy: By painting themselves as victims, these parents often garner sympathy from relatives. Social Currency: The topic of their manipulation and the drama it creates becomes a focus of conversation, setting the center of attention on themselves.

Long-term, these tactics can create an unhealthy and emotionally toxic environment. Children who are participants in this dynamic face a choice: either continue to be a part of the manipulation or distance themselves from the situation. Both options come with significant emotional and relational challenges.

Understanding and Addressing Narcissistic Behavior

Recognizing the signs of covert narcissistic parents is crucial. Symptoms include constant comparison between children, favoring one over the other, and using manipulation to control family dynamics. To address this issue, communication and seeking support from professionals can be highly beneficial. Creating a supportive environment for children and fostering open dialogue can break the cycle of manipulation and control.

Keywords: narcissistic parent, covert manipulation, sibling rivalry