My Childhood Hero: A Story of Bittersweet Memory

From a young age, I have had a fascination with childhood heroes. These are the people who inspire and guide us, shaping our early impressions of what it means to be a strong and resilient individual. For me, it wasn't a male hero, but rather a female one who left an indelible mark on my life - my grandmother, Ma.

Ma: A Different Kind of Grandmother

My grandmother Ma was a unique and complex figure in my life. She was a strong and vibrant woman who lived a life far removed from the traditional grandmotherly image. Ma, who was also my second mother, was a living contradiction. She was a wonderful grandmother but a terrible mother, and her presence was often a source of both joy and trauma.

She lived in the Bronx, a mere hour away from our home in New Jersey, yet we saw her frequently. One of my earliest memories involves popping her bubblegum bubble with my teeth, inadvertently biting her lip and causing it to bleed. At the age of three, this incident left a lasting impression on me because of the trauma I experienced.

Ma was a trailblazer in her own right, breaking the mold of the traditional grandmother. Unlike the grandmothers I knew from my friends' families, who wore pearls and flower-print dresses, Ma wore jeans and dyed her hair a different color every month. She was also known to use rough language such as "fuck," which was unconventional for the time.

A Woman of Contradictions

Ma's life was marked by a series of contradictions. She was a wonderful grandmother but a terrible mother, and her actions towards my mother were abusive and traumatic. My mother, though loving and devoted, kept her in our lives despite the abuse. It was a difficult and conflicting experience, marked by the imagined duality of Ma's personality in my mind.

The relationship between my mother and Ma was complicated. My mother's hatred of Ma coexisted with the duty of keeping her in our life. This internal conflict was further exacerbated by my own mixed feelings. I often imagined Ma as two different people - one who was abusive and one who was kind and loving.

Ma's Loss and Impact

Tragedy struck when my parents divorced in 1974. Ma and a neighbor who was also going through a divorce decided to move to Nevada together. The neighbor and my mother soon developed a relationship and married, which was a reversal of Ma's hopes for bonding with my mother. Ma's sudden departure left a lasting impact on our family.

Ma disowned our family and did not return for visits. Our last photo together was taken in April 1974, during our trip to Nevada. It served as a poignant reminder of the pain of her absence. Ma died in 1986, during my college years, and I was unable to attend her funeral due to upcoming finals. Though I was sad, I did not cry because she had become a figure of the past by then.

Reflections on Ma

Now, years later, I often look at the last photo of Ma and feel the profound sadness of losing her in 1974. Her memory is a bittersweet blend of loss and the influence she had on my life. Harriet Tubman, another childhood hero, has inspired me to always strive for strength, resilience, and justice. Ma, in her own unique way, has left a lasting impact on me.

Keywords: childhood hero, painful memories, Harriet Tubman