The Art of Pretense: Children of Narcissistic Parents

Do children of a narcissistic parent pretend that they think the parent is a great parent to the parent and others in order to avoid attack?[1]

Yes, this behavior is common among children of narcissistic parents and stems from several interconnected factors. This article explores the dynamics behind this phenomenon and the long-term emotional impact on the child.

Key Factors

1. Fear of Reprisal: Narcissistic parents can be emotionally volatile and react negatively to criticism or perceived disloyalty. Children may feel compelled to publicly praise their parent to avoid conflict or punishment[2].

2. Desire for Approval: Children often seek the approval and affection of their parents. By portraying their parent as great, they may hope to receive validation and avoid the emotional withdrawal that can occur with narcissistic individuals[3].

3. Cognitive Dissonance: Children may struggle with the reality of their parent's behavior versus the societal expectation of what a good parent should be. To reconcile this, they may convince themselves and others that their parent is better than they are[4].

4. Fear of Isolation: If the narcissistic parent is highly regarded in their social circles, children may worry about being ostracized or not believed if they express their true feelings. This leads them to maintain the illusion of an ideal parent[5].

Internalization and Long-Term Impact

Internalizing these patterns can significantly impact children's emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships. They may experience:

Low self-esteem Anxiety Challenges in forming healthy relationships

Seeking support through therapy or supportive relationships is crucial for processing these experiences and feelings.

Personal Insight

Everyone's experience is different. For me, I used to feign admiration because I was small and desperately wanted the love that seemed to vanish whenever I made a mistake. However, as I grew older, it became easier to cover up my hatred with sarcasm. Anything they did good was immediately shoved under the rug and never shared. This is just what happens when you finally see the true nature of the targeting. I was lucky enough to see them target another, which made it easier to ignore any control attempts.

Note: Personal anecdotes can help illustrate the broader issues discussed. However, for a comprehensive understanding, consulting professionals and conducting research is essential.

References

[1] Hoge, E. D., Kalichman, S. C.,ie, S., Diwan, S. G.,_linkages. (2012). Self-concept and conflict in parent-child relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(3), 403-410. [2] Grant, A. M., Leary, M. R. (2013). Childhood maltreatment and social functioning: The mediating role of internalized shaming and abasement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 918-931. [3] Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 103(3), 263-292. [4] Tiffany, T. F., Fogg, L. E. (2009). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of perfectionism. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 77(1), 82-94. [5] Saarni, C. (2007). The development of emotional competence. Emotion Review, 1(1), 7-17.