14 Times Henry Cavill Inadvertently Made Me Horny While Watching ‘The Witcher’


Hi, my name’s Taylor, and I have a fetish for white-haired monster hunters with wicked, magical powers. Well, actually, I take that back. I don’t get turned on by all deranged scary mutants… just the ones who look exactly like Henry Cavill in The Witcher.

The Witcher is a new Netflix series that follows Henry’s character, Geralt of Rivia, as he meets a sorceress, a princess, and lots and lots of scary-looking creatures throughout his journey to find “his destiny” and protect said princess from everyone who wants to harm her. (Which is everyone, basically.)

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Mind you, I’m not one of those girls who is super into fantasy things. The farthest my interest has gone is watching Twilight and, no, I didn’t watch Game of Thrones. So when I sat down to watch The Witcher with my dad and older sister, I wasn’t expecting to be so… uh, in love with Henry’s jawline (among other things).

The more and more we watched, the more I noticed the heat between my legs brewing. (Sorry, Dad!) I also couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to think the white-haired Witcher was so evil in the show? Like, if he’s “so bad,” I, for one, do not want to be right. (What can I say? I’ve always had a thing for damaged bad boys.)

Now that I’ve finished both seasons of the series, I find it only fitting to reflect on what I just watched by running down all the times Henry made me feel some type of way—even if he wasn’t doing anything inadvertently sexy. Behold, the seven moments that literally no one else would find attractive besides me and my weird self.

(Oh, and no detailed spoilers in here, so if you haven’t seen the show, totally okay to continue to read….)

Season 1

1. His first words of the entire season.

Netflix

      About two minutes into the first episode, Henry (who I’ll now be referring to as Geralt moving forward) says: “Today isn’t your day, is it?” to a smol doe who was attacked by a weird swamp monster. Then, he proceeds to eat said doe… so, like I said, not sexy at all.

      BUT! His! Voice! It’s the first time we hear it, and it sets the precedent for the rest of the series. I was all like, Oh, whoa, okay, we have a super-sexy, low, deep, rumbly voice setting the tone for this season, let’s fucking gooo. And if you’re super into voices like I am, let me recommend listening to these episodes through your headphones…in bed…alone….

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      2. Every time he grunts.

      Face, Human, Fun, Adaptation, Scene, Screenshot, Darkness, Fictional character, Black hair,

      Netflix

          Okay, so I’m one of those people who loves to watch movies with subtitles (sue me), but it was especially erotic because not only could I hear Geralt grunt in his baritone pitch, but I could also see on the screen that he said: “Hmm.” It was super hot in a way that I’m not really sure why….

          FWIW, he does this, like, a million times in each episode when he’s either (a) thinking, (b) about to beat the shit out of somebody, or (c) unhappy with a response. I can’t explain it, you really just have to watch it to know.

          3. His face post–fight scenes.

          Hair, Human, Beard, Facial hair, Fictional character, Zombie, Flesh,

          Netflix

              He is greasy, has blood all over his face, and has hair strands all up in his eyes, but for some inexplicable reason, he always looks deliciously tasty. To the average person, he looks like actual shit, but to me, he’s shit that’s hot…? I don’t know, maybe I’m just really into dudes who fight, which sounds like something I should take up with my therapist.

              4. When he says “fuck” right before he realizes he has to beat some village people’s asses because they’re taunting him.

              Human, Screenshot, Darkness, Photography, Digital compositing, Fictional character, Movie,

              Netflix

                  Something about the accent and the harsh cuss word coming out of his mouth makes me want him to say it more and more and more… preferably in the sheets with me. It’s like: “No, he’s good, he doesn’t want to fight you. You’re egging him on!” with a mix of “Yeah, he can’t wait to kick your ass.” (Which he does… every time). Love it.

                  5. The fact that he’s low key a horse girl.

                  Horse, Halter, Movie, Bridle, Horse tack, Stallion, Human, Mustang horse, Black-and-white, Mane,

                  Netflix

                      Look, we all know horse girls. Memes of their scrunchies and French-braided hair blew up into an internet sensation. But honestly, “horse girl” takes on a whole new meaning when you see Geralt (with his half-up, half-down hairdo) tending to his bb. I mean, there are multiple times when Geralt is seen just chillin’ and talking to his horse, which is A-OK with me, honey. It just means he’s ~sensitive~, right?

                      6. When he drinks that weird potion thing (which I still don’t understand) and it makes his eyes turn black.

                      Face, Black, Darkness, Head, Black-and-white, Human, Eye, Photography, Monochrome photography, Monochrome,

                      Netflix

                          I don’t know what a demon looks like, but if I had to guess, I’d think it resembles his face after he takes a sip of potion from that jar in his pocket. Totally unclear what’s in it, exactly, but it seems to make him turn into a super-powered version of himself (and make him look scary AF). I can’t explain it but there’s something super hot about his demonic side that screams, “I’m going to do dirty things to you in bed.” (Y’know, like lady in the street but freak in the sheets.)

                          Anyway, most people would find this face scary and repulsive, but I find it a bit endearing. I’m all about seeing all sides of my partner, and he lets this one SHOW, y’all.

                          7. His ability to feel compassion, despite not being able to feel anything at all?

                          Barechested, Muscle, Chest, Human, Mouth, Flesh, Human body, Neck, Photography, Trunk,

                          Netflix

                              Apparently, everyone in the Witcher universe seems to believe that witchers can’t feel emotions the way humans do (they talk about this often throughout the season). But without revealing too much, he seems to have a soft spot for children, cursed creatures, and other monsters too. This might be the only point you agree with me on, but any time Geralt saves a child or defends, say, a dragon, my heart (and vagina) does a little pitter-patter.

                              Season 2

                              8. How he manages to look hot even when he’s sad/disgusted/angry.

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              Who else besides Geralt of Rivia could still give me fanny flutters even when they’re in tears?! Literally no one, and this moment was no exception. Within the first five minutes of the season, he’s crying over some devastating news but somehow manages to keep it together and deliver this harsh line looking like that. How dare he?

                              9. Bossy Geralt ™

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              “When I say run, you run.” Say less, Geralt. Or actually, say more—this command was sexy as hell and made me imagine what he’d sound like telling me to do… other things. Ask me for anything G bb, I’m here for it.

                              10. Relaxed Geralt ™

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              To say Geralt has no chill is an understatement considering he’s always fighting monsters and saving the day, so to see him chilling at what’s essentially his “home” is nice! Lets me imagine what he’d look like on the day-to-day, ya know? As we’re living our lives and growing old together!

                              11. Any time he saves Ciri, which is often.

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? But in all seriousness, Geralt has Big Daddy Energy in season 2 and it’s sooooo hot. Whether he’s rescuing Ciri from a giant monster or a demonic witch possession, somehow he manages to get there just in time to save the day. Remember when Ciri called him the “father she never had”? Swoon.

                              12. When Triss comes onto him and he’s like, “No thnx.”

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              Okay, I’ll admit this part hurt me because watching anyone get rejected sucks, but the fact that he turned down sex with a hottie like Triss is proof he’s not a fuckboy. He easily could’ve been DTF considering everything he’s been through has probably made him wanna let off some steam, but they’re friends and he cares about her! Nothing is sexier than a man who’s considerate.

                              13. This epic reunion.

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              If you, like me, watch The Witcher for “the plot” (ahem), then you’re also actively sitting there twiddling your thumbs waiting for ~intimacy~ between Geralt and… whoever, honestly. But the emotional buildup that led us to this scene was everything, especially considering they’re seriously in love with each other and one of them thought the other one was dead for like half the season. Look! At! His! Beautiful! Statuesque! Face!

                              14. This one single word that’s usually NBD but feels unnaturally hot coming from Geralt.

                              geralt of rivia, the witcher

                              Netflix

                              He wasn’t saying this about me, but I’m just gonna pretend he was, k?

                              So if I haven’t sold you on watching the show just for the reasons above, know that it has a seriously good plotline too. And coming from someone who wasn’t exactly psyched about starting a show like this, I can’t wait for more fantastical “hmms” and “fucks” in season 3. Swoon!

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